


You've Been Avoiding Me.

by darlingcarmilla



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Lesbian Romance, a little gay brooding too, many fluff, mostly just romantic fluff, vampire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-24 02:32:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2565074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingcarmilla/pseuds/darlingcarmilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura had been avoiding Carmilla, and finally decides to explain herself... uncertainty and fluff ensues...<br/>(Written from Carmilla's point of view, in poetic, broody, old-fashioned language~)</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Been Avoiding Me.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mimilestrange](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=mimilestrange).



> Well, it's tumblr user mimilestrange's birthday, and I'm sorry if it's a bit late, but I remember a while ago you suggested a story about Carmilla getting to "court" Laura, so, Happy Birthday, I hope you like this despite it's lateness, and limited length... ♥ (hope you had a wonderful day~!!!)

I sat calmly, for Laura seemed, in regular intervals, to be avoiding me. Since I had agreed to remain with her, she seemed to remain in my hours of regular sleep, and be otherwise detained with “important” things, or else if I woke at a time unusual to my schedule, she always seemed to have an excuse as to why she must suddenly exit. I find it difficult, in such circumstances, to understand her behaviour, and certainly I have little doubt that if she had any kind regard for me, it is now all removed. When, in such a mortifying moment which I never wish to relive, I revealed quite clearly to her my feelings which I thought she had understood. Though clearly those she had interpreted my behaviour differently. To dwell on such a thing, in such regular intervals only deepens my pain. I have known now, for some time, that my beloved Laura, (though I suppose now she should never wish to be claimed as my own, so the lovely human Laura, naïve and sweet as ever could be wished, upon whom I ought never to lay claim), returns none of my own love and desire. While I crave her affections and company, she returns no similar wishes, instead she views me as monstrous. Which, I know I truly am. I am a monster, a dark creature. A horrid creature involved in such horrors that I have not ever been privy to. Involved, for such a great number of years that I daren't thing of them, in such a cruel and inescapable business, forever bonding me to foul and horrible injustice with which I should never hope to separate my name. 

And yet, I do hope. I allow myself to indulge in this life, and, at times... I even allow myself to pretend, to bury the shame and horrible guilt I hold deep within the recesses of my mind, to think myself one of these students. A child of this generation. Young and innocent, and good. I deceive myself, and for brief, perhaps fleeting moments, I allow myself to believe that perhaps I am good. I am heroic, as Laura sometimes says, though I am sure she cannot mean it. I understand that within the sweetness and goodness overflowing within her heart she wishes that even I might have hope. But she knows I am a monster. She knows I am wicked and undeserving, and she knows I dream of the darkness and horrors of my own fault. I dream of the torture of my past love, and my own torture. Of the horrors I allowed myself to become involved in. And then shining Angel, in all her sweet naivety attempts to offer me hope, and it is unbearable. Her goodness and her sweetness is unbearable because I, wrongly crave more. I guiltily crave with such a burning desire to pull her to my chest, and bury myself in her warm, hopeful goodness. I wish to offer her small things; flowers, kind words, kind gestures, and to receive her immeasurable and incomparable gratitude and adoration. Because I feel that perhaps, within this delusional mind of mine, I can picture her doing such a thing. Offering me all I desire so that I can so selfishly satisfy my cravings. How self serving and horrible am I to wish this. To wish Laura fulfil all my desires, to wish she would gently, and loving soothe me and hold me, as I can imagine she might to another... another more deserving. And yet to picture her satisfying the desires and wants of another fills me with such burning, passionate rage that I cannot justify. I am foolish in my heedless emotions, and I cannot explain them, nor defend, so I can only do my best to hide them. 

And yet, Laura, with her charming smile, and sweet voice, quivering with emotion, her intentions sweet and innocent, brimming with well-meaning youth, began to speak to me, kindly, sweetly, as she had not for days. She sat in her chair, near the computer (for I know that proximity can be daunting. I do not know how I might control myself at a less intimate distance), and began to speak. Her speech began thusly; “Carmilla... I-I've been meaning to say that I-”  
“You've been avoiding me. I know.” I could see at first the shock, then guilt in her eyes, and she let them stray from my face, toward the floor... toward her bed, and her hands. Anywhere but myself. In her misguided overwhelmed state she had assumed I would not register so strongly the change in her interactions with me. I suppose she did not fully understand vampires, and possibly did not know which myths were true. Her ridiculous introductions to pop-cultures certainly educated me on the many falsehoods perpetuated by these ridiculous stories, and perhaps my clarity of perception wouldn't have been something she was aware of. However, I supposed that she might have been aware of my... attractions, my longings, and cravings to be around her. Surely she would understand that with such adorations and longings as my own, her absences would not be unmissed by myself. I suppose she had had other supernatural causes concerning her, but surely she could not have lost all sense. I hoped anyhow. I wanted nothing more than for Laura to remain safe and well in her thoughts and body. 

“Oh...” she murmured in her guilty response, still avoiding my gaze, in contrast, I could not take my eyes from her. I wanted to understand, I wanted to know what she was thinking. Her sweetness and gentle sensibilities were beyond my comprehension.  
“Please... Cupcake,” I began with this modern pet-name in hopes of my distancing myself from her, as she seemed to dislike it. Though my hopes were half hearted and weakened. I wished so readily that she loved me, in the manner I did her, I wished for her to care for me dearly, but I knew that it would be the end of us both. And I wanted nothing to do with the end of Laura. Nothing. This name did not seem to have the somewhat desired effect, nonetheless, I continued in this manner, “I... I want to understand. Your avoidance is... always notable. With the possibility of such an endearing presence all absence is duly notated. I thought that maybe your new awareness of my... uh... emotions for you might have alerted you to this, but I guess you're not as observant as I thought...”  
She responded with some hesitance, as if unsure how to response. I'd no idea the emotion she current felt. Frustration, guilt, worry...? Fear...? I hoped not fear. It was the worst. Or hurt... No, hurt was certainly the worst of all emotions Laura might direct toward me.  
“I... Not that I, uh, scorn your ignorance. I understand you were busy with a lot of other things. I just... uh... can you tell me why? Why you've been avoiding me that is...”

To my surprise, Laura responded in manner I would not have thought relevant, and certainly did not expect.  
She said; “Do you... do you still actually uh...”  
“Do I still...?”  
“Um. Okay, can- can you please...” she still avoided eye contact, and I wondered nervously what could possibly follow.  
“You know, Laura, I will do anything for you.” After the sentence escaped me, I realised my own mistake in using her name. Such familiarity, such a respectful manner. I supposed I was too far gone to do anything much about it.  
“Please, uh, please tell me clearly what you think of me.”  
“What... I... think... of you?”  
“Uh... well, I mean emotion- Uhm, I guess I mean how do you feel about me?” Now she did finally look up clearly to see my face, and watch intensely, as I, in a most cowardly manner, avoided looking at her, for a fear nerves began to take over me, and I found myself quite flustered and uncertain of why on Earth this information should be relevant. But I had just made a declaration that I would do anything. And I would. So with great reluctance I began my response.

“I... I thought I'd made it entirely clear that my emotions toward you, the blessed creature who fills each moment you grace me with your presence with unbearable sweetness, and each moment of your absence from with with unbearable longing. You, in my mind, are the most endearing person I can hope to serve, in any manner, though it is dangerous for me to do so. My feelings toward you are inexplicably and decidedly infatuation, unhealthily so. And I am very apologetic if I have loaded you with some burdensome guilt or upset due to these ridiculous emotions. I am doing all within my power to restrain myself, but I... have been unable to rid myself of them, I am sorry. I... I love you, I wish to court you, and hold you and... so many thinks I daren't indulge myself, and put you through such pain. Please, I... forgive me.”  
As Laura began to respond, I couldn't help but fix my gaze upon her again, longing with such desperation to see the effects of my speech, though I could only fear the worst. Perhaps an expression of loathing, or her face being horror-stricken. I hoped for minimum disgust... perhaps I had said too much, though I had only intended to oblige her.  
But as she spoke, her face flushed scarlet at my confessions (though I had thought them obvious enough), her true reasoning behind such enquiries revealed itself. She began; “I... I actually have to confess, I know it's kinda weird, and wrong, and I'm sorry, and I was so awful to you. I thought you hated me, or were angry with me, or hurt at least... and I couldn't imagine you wanted to be anywhere near my face. So... I guess I... I guess I didn't want to upset you even more. I mean you are a vampire. But... but if those... those feelings, if that's really the way you feel,”  
“It truly is,” I assured her,

“Then I... I actually have to confess, that, I guess I... I was worried, and I... I doubted your actual feelings and honestly before. But, um, I actually might uh... I might have a crush on you, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I mean... yeah... um...”  
At this point I could hardly believe anything she said, it seemed all to wonderful, too magnificent, to be at all realistic, and so I replied, “I... are you honestly implying that you... that you might wish to, uh... you would not find it unpleasant, if I were to court you?”  
“Court?” At this she giggled a little, and I felt a sharp twist of pain in uncertainty in my stomach, was this deceit, could this be a cruel joke? “You mean, like, dating?”  
“Uh... I suppose...” I began to feel increasingly desperate as the time went on, “Please, Laura, please give me your answer.”  
At this she grinned and replied, with heart wrenching endearment, “Yes! I can't believe this! After all I've done, you'd still... but yes. Utterly, and completely yes, I'd really, really like that...” and at these words she shyly lowered her eyes and face and flushed with pleasure, grinning.  
At that, I inched myself along the bed, more closely to her, and pulled her chair toward me, “Please, I... if we're to court, would you...” I hesitated in my uncertainty, “Would you allow me to embrace you?”  
Here she allowed herself a short giggle and her adorable grin shone at me, illuminating my entire being as she nodded in short vigorous succession. I found myself, at this invitation, so completely wrapped in disbelief. That I, my own horrible self was allowed to ask of Laura anything I pleased. To hold her and desperately clutch at her as I had always dreamed. To envelop her in my scent, and that she would allow it... perhaps even encourage it, as she smiled so endearingly. I immediately pulled her to me, careful not to crush her with my strength; her, such a precious, fragile creature, yet not altering or holding back of of my speed. In a quick instant I had pulled her back into a maddeningly sweet embrace on my bed. Resting my head in the crook of her neck, immersed in her scent. It was so wonderful and heavenly, that the joy and wonder I felt that such a moment existed could hardly be expressed. 

“My happiness at this present moment, I do not think, could be fully explained to any being, mortal or otherwise. I am so filled with joy, I do think that currently my understanding and knowledge of all the English language, and some other languages (which is immense) could properly convey to anyone the emotions this moment has allowed me to feel. I feel so thoroughly overwhelmed...” I murmured this softly to her, drowsy and drunk on my happiness, and in response, she audibly smiled, it was so cheerful, and then sweetly, chastely, bestowed a careful and loving kiss on my forehead, in such a manner and with such tenderness as even I could not have imagined. Such emotions I could not have fathomed experiencing, some moments ago. At least, not in this time, not for some time... but now, with Laura, I could not help but be overwhelmed, and content in our wordless expression of love for one another, which lasted for some time...


End file.
